


never fallen from quite this high

by plinys



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: 5 Times, Coming Out, Fix-It, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-15
Updated: 2019-10-15
Packaged: 2020-12-16 15:43:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21038669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/plinys/pseuds/plinys
Summary: Five times Richie comes out, and one time that he didn't have to.





	never fallen from quite this high

**Author's Note:**

> i was supposed to have written this for coming out day, but instead i wrote something else, so i figured i might as well finish and post this up anyways even though its late! enjoy!

1

This shouldn’t be so hard. 

He’s known the truth since he was a kid and sure he may have forgotten about his childhood, all the trauma and all the good parts too, but this much Richie had always known. Sure he had covered it up with jokes and the fears that admitting the truth would mean losing everything that he had built up, but he knew.

Every time he said one of those  _ jokes _ , the ones that didn’t feel right, that didn’t fit.

He knew.

He’s always known.

But why is it so hard now. 

Staring in the mirror of his hotel room - a hotel in Portland, far enough away from Derry that he can breathe again, but only a ten minute drive from a certain hospital - with only his own self to hear the words spoken and still…

His throat is dry.

He can’t breathe.

Feels a second away from falling apart and… 

“Fuck,” Richie hisses out. Unable to look at himself. Instead focusing on the bathroom sink as if it’s the most interesting thing in the world. “Fuck me.” 

Working through thirty or so years of repression isn’t going to be easy.

He knows that.

And he should probably start by having a conversation with his therapist.

But his therapist is all the way on the other side of the country and Richie had vowed to stay put here until a certain someone woke up, so working through his  _ little problem  _ felt like a start. 

He speaks the words down into the sink, still unable to look in the mirror, and echo of the words those clown had said before, “Truth or dare.” 

He’d gotten good at lying. 

At covering it up.

At keeping this part of himself locked away from himself.

So good that forcing the words out now, feels like a relief, even if he’s the only one around to hear it. “Truth."

He breaths in.

And out again. 

"I’m gay, and that’s okay.” 

And if his stomach turns a moment later, at least he’s already in the bathroom. 

  
  


2

They haven’t talked about it.

They’re just  _ friends _ .

Because talking about it is something that still makes Richie so fucking nervous, but Eddie is here, awake and alive, and living in Richie’s apartment until his divorce is finalized and he figures out what he wants from life. 

And Richie tries to tell himself that this is enough. 

That Eddie living in his guest room, making them dinner, and critiquing the cleanliness of their apartment, is enough. 

That the thought of Eddie one day leaving, settling down with someone else, someone that makes him happy and isn’t afraid to admit their truth, doesn’t make Richie’s whole chest ache. The way that it used to ache when they were kids and Richie was doing everything he could just to be close to Eddie, just to touch him, small innocent touches, that he decided were safe enough. 

Twenty-seven years hasn’t really changed anything. 

Only now after losing Eddie, getting him back, and then nearly losing him again… Richie’s more desperate to hold onto him even more than ever.

Even if it’s just as friends. 

Friends is good.

Friends is fine.

But fuck, friends don’t look at each other the way Richie looks at Eddie.

He knew that he would get caught eventually. He wasn’t good at covering it up, not once he had realized how attracted he was to Eddie, but the second his gaze is caught Richie wishes he had. A guilty look crossing his face the instant Eddie catches his eye, that familiar sick feeling in his stomach returning and -

“Rich?”

“Fuck, sorry.” 

There’s confusion on Eddie’s features. 

Maybe he wants to let Richie down gently. 

“Sorry,” Richie says again, because he doesn’t know what to say. “I shouldn’t have, fuck, Eds, I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable, and I fucking-” 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about?” 

It’s like ripping off a band aid. 

Painful, sudden, too late to go back - “I’m gay.” 

Eddie blinks at him once.

And then again.

And asks, “You’re apologizing for being gay?” 

“Yes?” Richie replies hesitantly, his voice much smaller when he adds. “And also for checking you out.” 

Eddie’s eyebrows furrow together, and all Richie can think is  _ cute, cute, cute  _ even though he should be panicking. “You were checking me out?”

“Sorry,” Richie says quickly. 

He could say that word one hundred more times if it would make any difference. 

Except, Eddie isn’t looking at him with anger or even displeasure, just confusion, and a hint of a blush that Richie can just barely make out across his cheek bones - “I don’t… I don’t mind it, you know, if you wanted to…”

“Wait, what?”

“Don’t make me fucking say it,” Eddie says. 

And this time there is no missing the blush. 

“But same, you know,” he makes a vague hand gesture, meant to mimic something lewd and adds, “Fuck, why is this so hard to say?”

“It’s the trauma, baby.” 

Eddie laughs, a tiny harsh sound, but not a bad sad, “Yeah I - Just you know, fuck it, if you wanted to check me out. I wouldn’t be  _ opposed _ .” 

“Good to know.” 

  
  


3

Since coming to Eddie, and Eddie coming out to him in return had gone well. The next most logical step was to come out to all of their friends.

Really the whole problem with coming out was that he had to keep doing it over and over again.

Couldn’t he just say it once and have the whole world know? 

According to his therapist, admitting his truth was supposed to get easier over time, but right now… Ten minutes until they were all supposed to be getting together for dinner, the idea of working those words out seems almost too much to handle.

He knows this is a conversation that they should have in person. 

And despite all of Eddie’s reassurances that everything is going to be okay, Richie still can’t help but be nervous.

Which is why he sits there on the bathroom floor, pretending that he’s still getting ready and opens up a group chat cleverly labeled  ** _Losers Club - Eddie _ ** and types out the words:  _ eddie and i are kind of dating, try to act surprised when he tells you all at dinner tonight _

He waits, panicked, too late to take the words back.

Until finally the replies roll in, not horror or disapproval or even surprise really. Bev is the first to reply with ‘ _ Took you long enough _ ’ and after that everyone rolls in their congratulations and approval a second later. 

Breathing suddenly seems possible. 

At dinner they do all act surprised.

For the most part.

Ben can’t act for shit, but when Eddie casts a suspicious look this way, Ben just holds up his hands in a picture of faux innocence as says, “You both checked me out back when we first all reunited so I just assumed it was common knowledge.” 

Which, fair. 

“Okay,” Richie says with a laugh, “But can you really blame us?” 

  
  


4

His manager and agent debate over the whole thing for hours. Whether it would be good or bad for his reputation to come out, whether he should do it during one of his shows or on a talk show. 

And maybe it’s a little impulsive.

And maybe he’s just a little bit sick of them.

And a little bit sick of having to kiss Eddie behind closed doors where nobody will catch them. 

But he slips his hand into his pocket and pulls out his phone while they’re still busy debating what is best for his career and sends off three tweets all in a row: 

**richie tozier ✓ @trashmouth ** im gay lol 

**richie tozier ✓ @trashmouth ** thought all those dick jokes had made it obvious 

**richie tozier ✓ @trashmouth ** fun fact

  
  
  


5

“I didn’t want to do this as a  _ bit _ ,” Richie says, looking out into the crowd. “I know shock of the century, Richie Tozier doesn’t want to make every single part of his life a big fucking joke.” 

The crowd laughs, a little awkwardly, not sure what his self deprecating comment is leading to. 

“I told my agent that I’m not going to make fun of myself for being gay, there’s like plenty of angry people on twitter to do that for me.”

More awkward laughter.

Because everyone has heard about his coming out on twitter.

He had trended.

The first time his name trending had been a relatively good thing. 

“Everyone says it gets easier the more you say it, but fuck, I would just like the press to listen? You know how many times I have to see articles that have some bullshit headline like  _ Richie Tozier and Mystery Friend Eat Dinner at Fancy Romantic Restaurant?  _ Like excuse me TMZ that’s not the only thing I  _ ate  _ that night, if you know what I mean?” _ _

This time there’s no hesitance to the laughter.

That’s the _ trashmouth  _ they’re all familiar with. 

“So, in case you haven’t heard, I’m really fucking gay.” 

  
  
  


+1

He’s not close with his parents. 

Never has been. 

Probably never will be. 

They’d been distant since he was a kid, and now that he was an adult with no grandchildren to provide for them, losing touch with his parents had been all too easy. Which is why the sudden invitation to come home for Thanksgiving had caught him off guard. 

True it was his sister’s idea, something about his nephew wanting to see his favorite uncle, but it had led to his parents calling him for probably the first time in years. 

He’s curled up on the couch with Eddie, fingers nervously drawing circles on the back of Eddie’s hands trying to distract himself from the conversation that he’s having. Eddie, at least, pretends not to pay attention, his eyes locked on the muted episode of Jeopardy playing on their TV. But Richie knows better. 

It’s going to be their first Thanksgiving together.

Richie had plans, that involved turkey and sex and black Friday shopping just because he knew Eddie would get frustrated and probably snap at some soccer mom. 

Which meant turning down his parents, as politely as possible, in their first attempt to reach out in years. 

“Actually,” Richie says, cutting in the moment he can. Eddie flips his hand when Richie speaks, lacing their fingers together, giving Richie just a little bit of strength. “I can’t make it.” 

His mother is silent for a moment. 

Such a long moment, and Richie hates that he feels bad, they aren’t even fucking close.

But then she speaks, breaking the silence, “You can bring  _ him _ , you know? We don’t mind. We’d be happy to have both of you, I always make too much turkey anyways.” 

He hadn’t prepared himself for this.

For coming out and then having the phone hung up on him, sure, he’d expected that.

But not this.

Not for the oh so casual way she said  _ him _ . 

He hates that there’s tears in his eyes, that Eddie’s softly saying “Baby” with concern in his voice, and Richie can’t even explain. 

All those years of keeping himself locked away and - “You know,” his mother says, softly, as if talking to a frightened animal. “Even back when you were boys, we always had a feeling it would be the two of you. I think I even remember most of Eddie’s dietary restrictions, though I’ll have to confirm with you before I go shopping but-” 

The tears when they spill over are so sudden that he can’t stop them.

And his mother falls silent on the other end at the sound of his sobs. 

Eddie, who can only hear Richie’s side of the conversation, looks at him with an expression that is a mix between furious and concerned. 

“I’ll have to check with Eddie,” Richie says, voice small, shaking just a little bit. “But I think… I think we’d like that.”

**Author's Note:**

> come be my friend on twitter: [ @plinys ](https://twitter.com/plinys)


End file.
